i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Help me help you realize you are a moron
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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