i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
