you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
