never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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