Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
