Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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