Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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