also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
