The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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