i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
