she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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