I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
