so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize