sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
