My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
