peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
