theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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