I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
