Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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