I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
