Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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