The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
