my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
