Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
