i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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