I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
