I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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