we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I have already put on my inside pants.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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