We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
