I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
