whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
