Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
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