New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
