you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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