Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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