A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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