my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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