the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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