He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
