you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
