We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
