My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
