Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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