he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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