The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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