she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
