what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
