My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
