Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
