You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
