Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My ass is underappreciated
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
